John and Rose: Be Diplomats
by Latia
Summary: "INDEED WE WERE PONDERING THAT, AS WE WAIT FOR THE ARRIVIAL OF THE HIGHEST ONES, YOU AND YOUR COMPANION MAY HELP US TO ANSWER SOME OF OUR QUESTIONS." My very warped take on a kink meme request. John/Rose. No graphic content, but quite a bit of swearing.


"You ever seen cartoons where some big monster picks up two people and treats them like barbie dolls? Smashing them together and making kissing sounds?  
Basically that, only replace the big monster with some horrorterrors, and the two people with John and Rose.  
Oh and make it dirtier."

(Well. This most likely wasn't what the OP was hoping by "dirtier", but…)

* * *

"Rose! Behind you!"

It was too late. From the darkness a pulsating tentacle had come slinking out, circling Rose's legs sinisterly. The warning had barely gotten out of John's mouth when it suddenly snapped into action, constricting around her calves. She let out a stunned shriek, dropping her book as she was yanked out of the light.

"ROSE NO-!" His voice cut off with a strangled sound of horror as yet another tentacle shot out at him, coiling itself around his waist. Before he could make any movement he felt an enormous force drag him backwards, and he was enveloped in darkness.

_Windy thing windy thing oh god John get out of there!_ But no matter how much he struggled against the fleshy grip, desperately trying to focus his mind, his powers wouldn't activate. The realm of the horrorterrors operated on different laws than their world…and that apparently applied to air as well.

It was wrong, all wrong. He had gone with her into that strange world of shifting shadows to make sure that this wouldn't happen, that her eldritch companions wouldn't try turning her into a meal at the last moment. Well, so much for being a diplomat. He hadn't even been able to put up a fight. All he could do was shut his eyes, feeling his body dragged through alien appendages as he was helplessly pulled to his doom…

" **_/\_|\|\/|_ **"

"GAH!" John's eyes snapped open, his body jolting in response to the ungodly noise pulsing through his head. "Jeez!" He clapped his hands over his ears and looked around wildly, trying to take in the scene in front of him.

The portal that had led him and Rose to the horrorterror's dimension had opened into in a small clearing surrounded in darkness, pale light pulsating from an unknown source. Looking down, John saw that he was in the same spot…just a bit higher. The tentacle, its owner still hiding in the surrounding blackness, suspended him in a vice grip a few dozen feet above the ground.

A tremor went through the appendage, and John was forcibly turned towards the darkness. "**_/\_|\|\/|_**"The sound was a hideous clash of screeches, like the screams of a thousand tortured Juggalos ran backwards. John tried in vain to pull away. "**. /\/\|\_, **JOHN**._|\|\/**-"

"**GR'RTGR**." A second cacophonic sound bellowed from somewhere behind John, and he was suddenly flipped back towards the light. "**WOULD YOU, FOR TWO SECONDS, SHUT YOUR FLESHSLIT SO I CAN LISTEN TO THE ROSE-POD. AND USE ENGLISH, DAMMIT, WE ARE SUPPOSING TO BE ESTABLISHING A RAPPORT HERE"**

_Wait, English?_ Before John could mull the voice over, a hideous, metallic shriek sounded out behind his head. "**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\|\_TTTTH****E****RE, ARE YOU SATISIFIED, YOU TURGID SACK OF UNDERSLUDGE."**

"Gentlemen, please, let's not argue." A third voice, tired and thankfully familiar, echoed across the clearing. "The point of this meeting is to help one another, not cause more conflict. John and I…John, are you there?"

John's tentacle extended further into the light, and from the other side of the clearing a black shape did the same. Balanced precariously on the bony ridge of her horrorterror's tentacle, Rose came into view, looking somewhat harried. Despite the bizarre circumstances, John's heart leapt with relief. "Rose! Jegus, I'm so glad you're alright!"

"Same here, John." She gave him a weary smile. "Forgive me, it seems a few wires got crossed concerning the physical capabilities of human bodies. I hope Gr'rtgr-." Somehow the unwieldy mesh of syllables rolled easily off Rose's tongue. "-didn't harm you too badly."

"No, I'm fine, don't worry! But, Rose…" He looked around them, trying to make out their captors. "Are…are these the horrorterrors we're supposed to be contacting?"

"No…well, yes. Yes and no." Rose shifted in her perch, trying to get into a more comfortable postion. "You see, I've been speaking with the Noble Circle- a sort of council, you could say. The Circle wanted to meet with me and have a discussion in regards to my journey to the Green Sun and my guide to SBURB. Unfortunately, it seems they are tied up with some conflict at the moment, and who we have here in their place are two younger horrorterrors, Gr'rtgr," she nodded towards the tentacle around John's waist, "and S'luuksxz." She patted the appendage she sat on.

"Now, as I was saying, this discussion is incredibly important for our mission, being the first face to-." She paused. "-in person meeting between the players and the Gods of the Furthest Ring. It's actually very good that you're here, John, so you can witness for yourself that the horrorterrors are allies. The Noble Circle was so kind as to create a temporary environment in which we can interact safely, without danger of our minds being overwhelmed-no offense, gentlemen."

"**THERE IS NO OFFENSE** ," came S'luuksxz's voice. "**BUT WE MUST ASSERT, WE ARE NOT 'GENTLE MEN'**."

Rose blinked. "Sorry?"

"**WE LACK GENDER- AT LEAST, A GENDER THAT IS COMPREHENSIBLE TO YOUR SPECIES. IT IS A CURIOSITY, MAYBE A NOVELTY, THAT YOUR KIND IS ONLY COMBATIBLE ON A REPRODUCTIVE LEVEL DEPENDING ON THE QUANTITY OF CERTAIN CHROMOSOMES**."

"**YES, HIGHLY CURIOUS**," Gr'rtgr added behind John. "**IN FACT, IT IS A TOPIC THAT S'LUUKSXZ AND MYSELF HAVE BEEN DISCUSSING WITH FEVOR**." There came a pause, punctuated by what sounded like thousands of teeth clacking together and apart. "**INDEED WE WERE PONDERING THAT, AS WE WAIT FOR THE ARRIVIAL OF THE HIGHEST ONES, YOU AND YOUR COMPANION MAY HELP US TO ANSWER SOME OF OUR QUESTIONS**."

"Oh. Um." Rose looked at John. "I…suppose that is fine. After all, we are supposed to be helping our cultures to understand one another better. Is that alright with you, John?"

"Huh? Oh, w-well," John's eyes darted back and forward, in a feeble attempt to see their host's reactions. "That…that's cool, yeah!" He beamed nervously. "Yeah, feel free to ask anything!"

A shrill squeal emitted from Gr'rtgr's side of the clearing, one that John could only hope to be a good sign. "**MOST BITCHING**."

"**THEN PLEASE, ROSE-POD AND COMPANION, HOLD STILL."** And without warning, John and Rose were thrust together.

Under any other circumstances, being pushed onto a pretty girl might have been a fairly enjoyable experience for John. Unfortunately these were somewhat odd circumstances, being held precariously above a neck-breaking drop. The fact that the things doing the pushing were incomprehensible alien tentacle beasts was a bit of a mood killer as well. Above everything else, however, the truth was that the whole "collide-with-your-love-interest" situation that he had seen in movies so many times was_ painful._

"OOF!"A gasp of air was pushed out of John's lungs as Rose's knees crashed against his diaphragm. Their faces were shoved against each other, perhaps in some imitation of a kiss, but it ended up more like they were smearing their faces against each other. "Mpgh?"

"Gggph!" Rose agreed, and the two were separated as suddenly as they had been brought together.

"**GR'RTGFR YOU UNENDING IDIOT, YOU'RE HOLDING HIM WRONG"**

"**WHAT IN THIS CIRCLE ARE YOU BLATHERING ABOUT, IT'S LIKE THIS"** WHACK. Gr'rtgfr shoved John headfirst into Rose's stomach. **"AT AN ANGLE"**

"**WHAT. NO, LET ME SHOW YOU-" WHACK.**

" **DUDE, NO-" WHACK.**

"**NO, FUCK-" WHACK.**

"**YOU'VE GOT TO FLIP IT ****TURNWAYS****"**

"**DUDE-"**

"**FUCK-"**

"**DUDE-"**

"**STOP-"**

"**STOP-"**

"_STOP_." In the middle of yet another impeding collision, Rose regained enough composure to raise her voice. The two tentacles halted, their passengers disarrayed and dumbfounded. "WHAT…_what_, may I ask, are you two doing?"

"**RESEARCH, ROSE-POD."** S'luuksxz clacked cheerfully. **"AS WE STATED, WE ARE EXTREMELY CURIOUS REGARDING THE REPRODUCTIVE RITUAL OF YOUR SPECIES, AND WITH TWO COMPATABLE MEMBERS PRESENT WE CONCLUDED THIS WOULD BE A RARE AND FORTUITOUS OPPORTUNITY TO OBSERVE IT FIRSTHAND"**

Rose and John's gazes met, their horror and realization peaking in tandem. "W-w-wait," John sputtered, jerking around try and face Gr'rtgfr. "Are you saying you want us to…you want to watch us…"

"**BUMP UGLIES. MAKE THE BEAST WITH TWO BACKS. DO THE HORIZONTAL TANGO. I HAVE LEARNED MANY HUMAN EUPHEMISMS FOR THE OCCASION," Gr'rtgfr explained proudly. "BUT WHAT WE ARE ASKING IS SIMPLE: SEX, PLZTHX"**

John's jaw dropped. "_WHAT." _

"Gentle—I mean, my fellow…horrorterrors—." It was admirable that even on the verge of panic, Rose could keep her voice level and clinical. "I believe there has been some misunderstanding. John and I, we are not mates—."

"**THIS POSES NO PROBLEM. WE ONLY WISH TO SEE THE ACT, YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS WILL NOT AFFECT OUR UNDERSTANDING."**

"I—yes, alright, that makes sense, but we still can't have sex for you, it's not—it's…well, for one thing, I haven't even started-." Rose's eyes flicked to John for a moment, and for the first time she looked embarrassed. "—well, I am still incapable of becoming pregnant, you would not be able to observe—."

S'luuksxz rumbled ominously. **"THE FORMATION OF OFFSPRING IS IRRELEVANT TO THIS EVENT."**

"**THIS IS THE 'OBSERVATION OF HUMAN FORNICATION EXPERIMENT', NOT THE 'MAKE ROSE-POD A BABY MACHINE EXPERIMENT.' THAT WOULD JUST BE STUPID."**

Rose clenched her teeth, and John knew she was trying very hard to not clap a hand to her face. "…still, it would be extremely inappropriate for us to do this for you, even if you are collecting data."

"**WHY SO."** Gr'rtgfr pressed. **"BOTH OF YOU AGREED THAT YOU WOULD HELP US TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS WE MIGHT HAVE. AND WE HAVE MANY. AND THEY ARE ALL 'HOW DO HUMANS REPRODUCE.'"**

"**YOU HAVE PROVIDED A GREAT HOST OF INFORMATION FOR THE CIRCLE ABOUT HUMAN CULTURE, ROSE-POD, AND FOR THAT WE ARE EXTREMELY GRATEFUL. BUT YOUR FILES WERE DECIDEDLY LACKING ABOUT SEXUAL INTERCOURSE."**

"Well yes, I don't exactly keep a lot of that kind of information on hand-."

**"IT WAS YOU WHO STATED THAT OUR TWO GROUPS SHOULD BE EDUCATED ON THE OTHER'S CULTURE. IS THIS NOT JUST ANOTHER FACET OF YOUR HUMAN CULTURE"** Another deep rumble sounded out from S'luuksxz's side of the clearing. **"WE WANT FOR THIS MEETING TO BE PRODUCTIVE AS POSSIBLE, AND NOT HAVING INFORMATION ON THIS CRUCIAL PART OF THE HUMAN LIFE CYCLE IS ****NOT**** PRODUCTIVE."**

Throughout this entire exchange John had simply hung there speechlessly, eyes darting between Rose and the Horrorterrors (at least, where he could only assume they were. How big were these guys anyways?) having the last conversation he would have ever expected. After being transported to a different dimension, after fighting monsters, after pretty much becoming a god, he could honestly say this was the strangest thing to have ever happened to him.

It was almost amusing, but right now it was just mortifying. Maybe he'd look back on it someday and laugh—not that he'd be telling anyone about this. Oh god, he could just imagine Dave. _Damn Egbert, first the psycho alien chicks, now the tentacle fuckbeasts. _Y_ou're lucky Lalonde got you out of there, or you would have been the star of some freaky Lovecraft Animal Planet special. Coming up next,'The Courtship of Cageboner Lad and the Snarky Broad'-_

"Alright then," Rose sighed. "Then let's do it."

_-…what._

"W-WHAT?" John blurted. "Rose, you can't be seri-!"

Rose cleared her throat over John's sputtering. "Before we go proceed, why don't we take a moment to collect ourselves. S'luuksxz, Gr'rtgfr, if you please…"

"**SPLENDID. LET US MAKE THIS SHIT WORK."** Gr'rtgfr pulled John back, S'luuksxz doing the same.

"**ALRIGHT, JOHN-POD. I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE PROVIDING SOME SORT OF ENCOURAGEMENT HERE."** Silence.** "…I AM NOT REALLY SURE HOW TO DO THAT, SO I SHALL JUST REPEAT SOME THINGS FROM ROSE-POD'S FILES AND HOPE YOU FIND THEM UPLIFTING. I HOPE YOU ENJOY KITTENS."**

"W-wait a second, listen Mr. Grr-a...Guhre…" John's mangled attempts at the horrorterror's name trailed off, along with any attempts to dissuade them from their 'observation', along with any thoughts in his head that weren't pants-wetting terror. For from the depths of the blackness, he could make out the edges of some nigh-incomprehensible form. Dozens of slick gray tongues, smacking vigorously round a pit studded with scores upon scores of crooked, illogical teeth, down into an endless throat…

TT: John, take a breath. Count to ten and think about Liv Taylor.

The familiar purple text suddenly winked into existence in the lenses of John's glasses. He blinked rapidly, his breath hitching.

EB: rose? hhow are you doing thate? ttought we coldn't use pesterchum here

TT: Modifications. Do what I said, John, and try not to look directly at him.

TT: *Them

TT: *Whatever, please just do it.

He shut his eyes, counting slowly. Behind his eyelids a familiar scene played, drowning out Gr'rtgfr's speech…

TT: Are you feeling better?

EB: uh

EB: yeah, actually I am! thanks!

EB: but

EB: wait

EB: rose what are we going to do!

TT: Well, it certainly is a bit awfgjflkf

EB: ?

EB: are you okay?

TT: Yes, I'm quite alright.

TT: Forgive me, S'luuksxz seems to be intent on teaching me to thrust.

TT: They are giving me demonstration. Which seems to involve shaking around a great deal.

EB: well don't be sorry!

EB: heck he should be apologizing!

TT: They.

EB: oh whatever!

EB: rose they can't make us do this! it just isn't right!

TT: I know that this is…unusual. But John, you have to understand that their morals are much, much different than ours. What seems totally unthinkable to us is commonplace to them.

TT: Plus, S'luuksxz and Gr'rtgfr are very young by their standards, perhaps, in human measuring, younger than us. They really don't know any better.

EB: well they should!

TT: I know, I know. I just….

TT: John, this is extremely important. I don't want to ruin our relations with the Circle over something so trivial.

EB: but

EB: ugh!

EB: what about our

TT: Our what?

EB:

EB: look, i don't care if slutkorszilla and gfkkksdlldslldslcmddmc hate us or eat us or whatever! I'm not having sex with you in front of them like we're some sort of science experiment! that'd just be

EB: ugh just weird and gross and stuff!

EB: …rose?

John chanced a glance over his shoulder. From what S'luuksxz was doing with their tentacles (oh wow, that sure looked painful), they were still demonstrating something to Rose. She sat on one still tentacle, body facing the spectacle but not watching. Instead she inclined her head towards him, looking very, very confused. Finally, the Pesterchum chirped:

TT: …John, we aren't going to have sex.

EB: um

EB: oh.

EB: we aren't?

TT: Good lord, of course not. Why would I even ask you do to something like that?

EB: but, but isn't that what they want us to do?

TT: Well. Strictly speaking, yes, that is exactly what they want us to do.

TT: But John, you don't see it. Our biology is completely alien to them. They have no idea what actual intercourse involves.

EB: really?

EB: but i though you said you gave them files or something? about humans?

TT: I gave them limited Internet access. It seemed the easiest source of information, and a pathway to experiencing human art and culture on a personal level.

TT: At the very least, they seem to understand Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.

EB: and you didn't give them…

EB: like, porn or anything?

TT: Oh

TT: No John.

TT: In the middle of dealing with hellbeasts and monsters and the apocalypse, I've just been kicking back with my cephalopodan comrades, exploring the wonders of the Missionary position.

TT: I considered asking them for help as to how to beat this stupid game, but I realized I rather go through a literary dissection of "2 Girls, 1 Cup" with them.

TT: We've just been having a goddamn party all up in here.

TT: Debauchery raining from the heavens.

TT: Pornography flowing like an active volcano.

TT: Opulent orgies, binges of blow jobs,

TT: degeneracy, depravity, devilry, revelry!

EB: ok ok I get it!

EB: jeez, no need to get all snippy

TT: Well if you rather not have sarcastic answers, don't ask tactless questions.

TT: Moving right along.

TT: Is Gr'rtgfr still talking? And again, don't look directly at the darkness.

EB: oh yeah, he's still going on. i think he's talking about lolcats or something

EB: except apparently the HUMOR EXUDING FELINES don't haz chezburger, they POSES PROCEZZED MEAT SANWICH

TT: Haha.

TT: Anyways, pretend to pay attention. Nod on occasion.

TT: And pay close attention to what I'm about to say.

"**NOW THEN." **Several minutes later John himself being pushed back towards the light. Rose joined him soon after, S'luuksxz's tentacle coiled tight around her torso. "**I BELIEVE THAT OUR COMRADES HAVE BEEN SUFFICENTLY PREPARED FOR THE EXPERIMENT. IS THAT CORRECT."**

"Correct." Rose replied as if the lesser God had asked her for the time. " John? I assume you're ready as well."

"Y-yeah," John managed. He watched her face carefully for some sort of signal, for any reassurance that the plan was still in effect, but there wasn't a flicker of feeling from her. How the heck did she manage to stay so calm?

"**THEN LET US BEGIN THE EXPERIMENT. S'LUUKSXZ, WOULD YOU CARE TO START THE SCENARIO."**

"**INDEED I WOULD. I SHALL DO IT."**

"**YES. MAKE IT HAPPEN."**

There came a heavy, hoarse sounding rush of air, what John could only assume to be the Horrorterror clearing its throat (_if it had one),_ followed by a spot of silence. John swallowed, his own throat suddenly dry. If this went wrong, things could get _very_ ugly_…_and if things went _right_, it would still be the most awkward thing in the universe. He looked to Rose once more. Her eyes were closed, head bent almost solemnly in thought. She looked like a doll-not just because she was in the grasp of something so many times larger than her, but just in the way she was hanging there, looking so wan and pale and pretty—

"**ONE DAY," **John was violently jolted from his thoughts by the roar of S'luuksxz's voice. "**ROSEPOD WAS SITTING THERE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. A HUMAN PASTRY SAT IN THE OVEN, AND HER TRAGIC HEART SAT IN HER HAND. THIRTY, TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE WITH A CRUEL ABUSIVE BUSINESSMAN WHO WAS SO OFTEN OUT OF THE HOUSE, AND ALSO A PEDOPHILE, SHE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. ALL SHE COULD DO WAS LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF HER SPLASHING TEARS ECHOING IN THAT COLD, LOVELESS HOUSE. **

"**AND THEN THERE WAS A DOORBELL AT THE DOOR. SHE GOT UP," **S'luuksxz made a gesture with Rose that must have been her standing from an imaginary chair, "**AND THE UNLOVED, UNATTRACTIVE HOUSEWIFE MADE HER-."**

"H-hang on!" John somehow managed to break through his own bewilderment. "Rose isn't-!"

And suddenly he found himself the center of attention of three people that he most certainly didn't want: two volatile aliens who could probably use an interruption as grounds for killing him, and the girl who really didn't need to be hearing this. "Uh…um…" His eyes darted frantically between the tentacles and Rose. "B…bluh…"

"**JOHNPOD, CEASE YOUR BLUHS AND FINISH YOUR STATEMENT. WE ARE OPERATING ON A LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME AND THIS EXTENDED VEHICLE OF THOUGHT SEEMS TO BE A LENGTHY ONE."**

"I-I!..." John sputtered. "I just…um, Rose isn't…um." He looked far, far away from Rose, pulling his shoulders up as if he could disappear into his hood. "…unattractive."

A rush of air pushed at John- S'luuksxz seemed to be sighing. "**IRRELEVANT. THIS IS A FICTIOUS SCENARIO TO ASSIST YOU TWO IN ACHIEVING THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT. OBVIOUSLY THERE IS A BIT OF IMPROVISATION THAT YOU MUST DO—FOR INSTANCE, THERE IS NO KITCHEN, AND SADLY A LACK OF PASTRY. SO PLEASE JUST SUSPEND YOUR BELIEF FOR A MOMENT."**

"Y-yeah, alright. Sorry…" _Smooth John, for a second there it looked like the situation wasn't disgustingly awkward enough._ The Dave in his head sure was getting a kick out of this. His eyes darted briefly to Rose, but to his unending surprise (not) her face was still impassive.

"**NOW, TO CONTINUE. ROSEPOD WENT TO ANSWER THE DOOR. 'I WONDER WHO IS AT THE DOOR' SHE SAID. SHE OPENED THE DOOR…ONLY TO FIND…"**

Gr'rtgfr's tentacle jumped forward eagerly, John's body jousting along with it. **"'SALUTATIONS, SIR/MADAM. I HAVE RECEIVED AN ORDER FOR A UNFORETOLD QUANTITY OF CHEESE AND VEGATABLE BASED FOODSTUFFS,TOPPED WITH ASSORTED PIECES OF ANIMAL CARCASS.' THE SUSPICIOUSLY YOUNG YOUTH SET THE OBJECTS DOWN ON THIS SURFACE, CONVIENTLY PROVIDING ROSEPOD WITH A VIEW OF HIS REAR, HIS LOWER CLOTHING FULL TO BURSTING WITH AMPLE ORBS OF SPANKFLESH."**

Gr'rtgfr paused briefly, suddenly flipping John upside down. "**(JOHNPOD IS THIS THE CORRECT AREA)" They** staged whispered. At the stiff nod of John's head, the tentacle flipped him rightside up.** "ALRIGHT. SO, AS TO MY REWARDS FOR PROVIDING THE SUPPLY OF FLESHES AND MEATS-."**

And without warning, S'luuksxz pushed Rose into John's chest. "**OOOHWAAAA JOHNPOD, JOHNPOD. I HAVE NO PAYMENT FOR YOUR NOBLE DEEDS, BUT IT IS UNNECESSARY. THE ONLY MEAT I DESIRE IS THE MEAT I CAN PEEL FROM YOUR WARM BODY."**

"_what on earth is going on." _John whispered, voice flat with a mix of horror and utter bewilderment. Rose, for all her coolness, didn't look all that calm either.

"**ROSEPOD, I AM NOT CERTAIN IF OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS IS MORAL. BUT ALRIGHT."** Gr'rtgfr gave John a shake. "**JOHN, THIS IS WHERE YOU START."**

John tensed up, his blood feeling like crushed ice in his veins. He swallowed, and looked down to find Rose's purple eyes gazing up at him. She nodded levelly.

"It's okay."

"**AAAAAOOOHHWHW, JOHNPOD, JOHNPOD." **S'luuksxz's moans were like claws on glass.

He closed his eyes.

"**ROSEPOD."**

He leaned forward.

"**JOHNPOD, DO IT. PUT YOUR ORGANS INSIDE ME. INSIDE, JOHNPOD, INSIDE-."**

-_flit_-

Ugh. Bitter.

"**YES JOHNPOD, YES, YES, YESSSSSSSSSSS. I WANT TO FEEL IT, DIG DEEP INTO MY EAR CANAL, OOOOOOOOOHHH"**

John rolled his eyes, despite himself. Underneath him Rose's shoulders were hitching, as if she was trying not to laugh. Whether the flicks of his tongue tickled her or if she somehow found this funny, he couldn't say. All he could do was keep licking her ear—and for the record, they were pretty waxy for a girl as meticulous as her. He'd have to tease her about it later…if he ever had to nerve to speak of this again.

"**YES, YES, I THINK THAT IS ENOUGH FOR THAT REGION."** S'luuksxz pulled Rose back for a moment. John caught her gaze for a moment, sticking out his tongue empathetically. "**SHALL WE MOVE ONTO DIFFERENT AREAS."**

The diplomats sighed.

And so began the most uncomfortable half-hour in the life of John Egbert. Hung above that clearing under the eyes of alien monsters, the two of them came up with new combinations for their tongues, fingers, and various unsexy openings in their bodies. Tongues into ears, thumbs into armpits, pinkies into nostrils, tongues into eyes, and every other combination they could come up with.

They moved stiffly, with as much eroticism as a piece of dried fruit. Even without considering their Bizzare-ma Sutra techniques, the fact that their audience was providing a steady soundtrack of "scenarios" put a bit of a damper on the mood.

"**HULLO ROSE-POD, IT IS I, JOHN-POD. I HAVE RETURNED FROM MY DEADBEAT JOB AS A DOWN ON MY LUCK SALESMAN, AND AM LOOKING VERY ATTRACTIVE, AND ALSO FULL OF MANY SEXUAL ORIFICES?"**

"**OH JOHN-POD, OWAAAAH. I PLEAD FOR YOUR SLURRY TO SOAK INTO MY TREMBLING CRAVACES. BLOAT ME FULL OF MANY FLESHPUPPIES, YOU STUDMUFFIN."**

John was unsure to where these scenarios came from, and for that he was somewhat thankful.

"**OH MERCY ME, BUSINESSMAN JOHNPOD, I KNOW YOU HAVE ANOTHER MATE AND I AM BUT A SINGLE MOTHER KICKED UPON BY THE WORLD, BUT I NEED THIS JOB AS YOUR FEISTY, SARCASTIC SECRETARY."**

"**THEN BEND YOUR BLACK LEATHER CLAD BODY UPON THAT DESK, WHILST LEAVING YOUR UNATTRACTIVE GLASSES ON. LET ME ESTABLISH MY Y CHROMOSOMES."**

He knew that Rose hadn't showed them porn, but they had to be getting this from somewhere. A somewhere he knew he never wanted to know of.

"**UUUH. UUUUUUUUUHHNNNNN. YES, ROSEPOD, YESS." **

**"OH JOHNPOD, UNF, UNF, UNF" **

**"OH ROSE" **

**"OH JOHNNNNN" **

_"Oh god_." John's face was paler than usual. "How much longer are they going to keep this up?"

"Just relax," Rose whispered—a remarkable feat for someone tapping their tongue on their friend's eye. "We're going to run out of positions eventual-."

"**PLEASE CEASE YOUR SPEEECH." **Gr'rtgfr boomed. "**WE UNDERSTAND THAT CONDITIONS ARE LESS THAN IDEAL, BUT THIS MUST BE AS CLOSE TO THE TYPICAL ACT OF HUMAN INTERCOURSE AS POSSIBLE."**

"**IN FACT,"** S'luuksxz piped up. "**IN ORDER TO MAKE THIS REALISTIC, YOU TWO YOU SHOULD BE MAKING THE PROPER VOCALIZATIONS, SHOULD YOU NOT."**

John and Rose looked at each other. "Ahm afrah—pardon me-." Rose pulled away from John, retracting her tongue. "I'm afraid I don't understand your request. Are you asking us to speak to each other?"

"**THERE IS…HOW CAN THIS BE SAID." **S'luuksxz clattered thoughtfully. "**HUMANS MAKE CERTAIN VOCALIZATIONS DURING COITUS, YES. MOANS, AND THE LIKE."**

"What…oh…_oh_." Rose gritted her teeth violently as she realized what the lesser God was asking. "There really…that is to say, that is honestly a superfluous part of intercourse, there is no need—."

"**PERHAPS THERE IS NOT. BUT STILL, WE WISH TO KNOW THESE THINGS."**

"But-."

"**I IMPLORE YOUR AGREEMENT TO THIS." **Gr'rtgfr rumbled. **"ALTHOUGH WE HAVE MADE THE PROPER VOCALIZATIONS TO THIS POINT, WE ARE STILL NEW TO THIS. PLEASE, MAKE THE SOUNDY THING."**

Rose looked at John, and they shared a grimace. John sighed, placing his thumbs under Roses' shoulders. And in the driest, deadest voice he could muster:

"Oh. Yeah. I want to be inside you …baby."

"John. I feel you. Inside, of me." Rose sounded as exasperated as he felt." Your swollen, pulsing, nubs. "

"Oh…yeah." If he averted his eyes any harder, they just might fall of his head. "I am definitely being fucked…like a thing, being fucked."

"Harder, John, harder."

"Oh. Rose."

"John."

"Ro-."

"**FASCINATING."** And to John's unending relief, their captors pulled them apart. "**I DID NOT IMAGINE IT TO BE SO DETAILED." **From anyone else this would this might have sounded sardonic, but S'luuksxz seemed completely sincere. "**HUMAN INTERCOURSE IS MUCH DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I GATHERED FROM THE ELECTRONIC DATA WE PERSUED. FOR INSTANCE, I WAS INITIALLY UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT INTERCOURSE OCCURRED BY CONTACT OF LOWER GENETALIA."**

John's heart seized. _Oh crap._ Luckily Rose responded without batting an eyelash. "Oh, please, S'luuksxz. Do you honestly think we would consummate contact in the same regions we use for waste excrement?"

"**SEE, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD THEM." Gr'rtgfr** roared with triumph. "**THERE S'LUUSXZ, SEE. THAT'S STUPID. YOU'RE STUPID."**

"**CEASE YOUR INFANTILE BLATHERING, FUCKFACE."**

"**WE DON'T EVEN POSSESS FACES, YOU SLUDGESACK-."**

"Well then!" John raised his voice. "Um, if you don't have any more questions or anything, could we ask you to put us down?"

"**ACTUALLY, I DO POSSESS ONE MORE INQUIRY, JOHNPOD AND ROSEPOD. WHY HAVE YOU NOT SHOWN US MAMMARIAN CONTACT."**

"Mammar-." Rose tensed, arms wrapping around herself. "Oh, ah, that is another common misconception about intercourse. Yes, those particular glands are only used in the subsistence of offspring. Nothing more."

"**BUT ROSEPOD. WHEN I WAS LOOKING THROUGH YOUR FILES, I CAME ACROSS A PIECE OF ROMANCE-BASED PROSE THAT INVOLVED THAT REGION."**

"…that is impossible. I did not distribute anything of that kind to the Ring."

"**WELL,**" **Gr'rtgfr** rumbled, almost sheepish. "**IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THAT WAS UNITENTIOAL ON YOUR PART, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING IT WAS A PIECE YOU HAD PENNED YOURSELF."**

"…what….WHAT." And for the first time a crack appeared on Rose's ice-cold façade. A very, very big crack. "NO. How—no, I definitely did not mean to give you that—that was a personal piece!"

"Wait. Wait. Oh my god." John snorted incredulously. "Are, are you saying you wrote _wizard porn_?"

"It did not involve wizards—it was erotica! Not even that, not even going past-!" Oh man, if only he had a camera. Her face was as flushed as a heart in one of Karkat's weird-ass shipping things. "It was just practice, at, at a different kind of writing!" John had to admit, seeing her all flustered like that was almost…no, it was really cute.

"**MOVING PAST ROSEPOD'S ENJOYMENT OF ELDERLY, BEARDED MAGIC MEN."** S'luuksxz cut in. "**THEN IF THE MAMMARIES ARE INDEED AN ERROGENOUS ZONE, WHAT IS JOHNPOD'S CORRESPONDING BODY PART"**

"There is no-!"

"My hands."

"WHAT." Rose whipped her head so fast it looked like she had whiplash. "JOHN. I have just stated that that area wasn't-."

"Hey Rose, I wasn't the one that gave them the 'erotica.'" John grinned widely at her, folding his arms casually behind his head. "They know it, there's no reason to hide it."

"**EXCELLENT JOHNPOD. I'M GLAD WE ARE ALIKE IN MINDSET. NOW, WE ARE BEGINNING TO RUN LOW ON TIME," **Gr'rtgfr said as the drew John back slightly, "**SO LET US FINISH THIS QUICKLY."**

"Wait just a mo-!"

_WHUMP._

"_**GR'RTGFR, **_**YOU INFINTE IDIOT," **S'luuksxz roared. "**HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING WE'VE LEARNED OF HUMAN ANATOMY. ARE JOHNPOD'S /HANDS/ IN HIS /FACE/"**

"Don't sweat it," John mumbled against the soft curve of Rose's chest. "This is fine." He might have to deal with it dearly later, but at the moment the spike of his prankster's gambit was worth whatever she would-

_THOCK._

"Fine." Rose spoke casually as John reeled from the sock to his stomach, tears in his eyes. "Okay, so I finished the act. Hands to the mammaries, knee to the gut. Situation complete."

"**OH. WELL. IS THAT CORRECT, JOHNPOD."**

He looked up at Rose. The answer was clear from her glare. "Y…yeah. Correct. Very correct."

"**EXCELLENT. WELL THEN, I BELIEVE WE ARE READY TO COMPLETE THIS EXCERISE."**

"W…wait," John straightened out, catching his breath. "Complete? Gr…Gr…well, we're kind of out of positions. I don't really know what else we can do!"

"**THERE IS NO POSTION. WE JUST WANT TO OBSERVE THE RELEASE OF YOUR MATERIAL."**

And all of a sudden, you could have heard a pin drop.

"…sorry?"

"**YOUR GENETIC MATERIAL, JOHNPOD. THAT WHICH CONTAINS YOUR SPERM." **S'luuksxz tittered. **"IT IS ADMIRABLE THAT YOU HAVE WITHHELD YOUR RELEASE FOR THIS LONG…YOU MUST BE IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN. DO NOT FRET, WE WILL ALLOW YOU TO RELIEVE YOURSELF."**

"W-w-wait just a sec," John stammered, writhing wildly against his binds. "N-no! Ahaha, I, me and Rose have been doing that, all along! All that…um, sperm releasing, all of it!"

"**JOHNPOD." **And suddenly Gr'rtgfr's voice seemed to drop a few degrees. "**IT IS UNNECESSARY TO LIE. IN FACT, IT IS VERY NEARLY AN INSULT THAT YOU WOULD LIE. WE HAVE OBSERVED ALL THE ACTS AND ACTIONS OF INTERCOURSE, BUT NOT THE ACTUAL FERTILIZATION. "**

"Th…that's…" Oh god oh god they were in it now. "Um, I just-."

"He will do it in a moment." Rose's voice overlapped with the Pesterchum's newest message. John blinked. "Just give us a moment to prepare ourselves."

"**EXCELLENT. I WILL PROVIDE A PROPER ENVIRONMENT, DO NOT WORRY." **From the seemingly unending darkness came a jittery, mechanical sound. For a moment there was silence…and then a strange, tinny tune…

"**SQUIDDLY DEEEEE…..SQUIDDLY DAAAAA…."**

EB: oh

EB: my fucking god

TT: John, there is not cause for alarm.

TT: Just do what I told you.

EB: but

TT: John, don't be immature about this. Your hesitance may have alerted them to our plan. We can't afford to have them lose their trust in us.

EB: but that would just be gross!

EB: rose I cant

"**WE ARE READY." **The voice made John's eyes leap from the text. The tentacle around his waist hoisted him just above Rose's body. Her eyes were steady, but her text appeared quickly in his lenses:

TT: John

TT: enough.

TT: just

TT: do it.

"**PROCEED JOHNPOD."**

"**DO IT JOHNPOD."**

"**EVERYONE SING…A SQUIDDLY SONG…"**

"John!"

His eyes snapped open

and he did it.

He spat on her.

"…**WAS THAT IT"**

"Yes," Rose stated, stony-faced even as the salvia slipped down her cheek.

"**DO YOU HAVE TO….SWALLOW IT, OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES"**

"My skin will absorb the genetic material by osmosis." At that point she didn't even seem to care if they believed her or not. "It is inside me. It's over. It is _very_ over."

"**OH. WELL."** After a long moment the tentacles slunk downwards in unison, carefully descending tens of tens of feet to gently-

THUMP.

-deposit their riders unceremoniously in a heap atop each other, Rose atop of John's sprawled form.

"**THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICPATION. I BELIEVE WE HAVE ENOUGH DATA ON THE SUBJECT."** There was a pause, filled with the clattering of innumerable teeth. "**IF I AM TO BE HONEST, THAT WAS A BIT OF A DISSAPOINTMENT."**

" I CONCUR. ZERO HATS OUT OF FIVE. UNDOUBTLY."

There came an uncomfortable pause. "**WELL…THERE IS STILL A LARGE PERIOD OF TIME BEFORE OUR SUPERIORS ARRIVE. ABOUT A HAL F HOUR BY YOUR STANDARDS. SO...I SUPPOSE WE SHALL JUST BE ORGANZING THE DATA WE'VE COLLECTED."**

"**THANK YOU YET AGAIN. WE SINCERELY HOPE THIS WAS A LEARNING EXPERINCE FOR ALL."**

"**FOR SOME MORE THAN OTHERS." **

And with that, the tentacles disappeared into the dark.

The two lay in what must have been the most awkward silence known to mankind, the cherry on the most uncomfortable half hour in John Egbert's life- and let's face it, Rose Lalonde's life as well. After what seemed like an eternity, Rose sighed, rolling off John's stomach.

"John, if by some miracle we ever get to boast of our achievements to other people…" She sat up, dusting the skirt of her dress. "Let us omit this part."

"Noooo complaints here," he said dazedly. He propped himself up on his elbows, somewhat disheveled, shaking his head. Rose had already crept a ways away, apparently searching for her tome.

"Heh…" John rubbed the back of his neck, desperately trying to think of what to say. "Maybe the next thing we should try sharing with them…"

"A lesson on tact? Unfortunately things like that are often lost across cultures…assuming that the party of the primary culture _possesses_ tact in the first place." She eyed him meaningfully, and he blushed, having a feeling he knew exactly what "party" she meant.

"We-well, maybe a lesson on…like, manners and stuff-."

"Such as how to politely grope a girl? Well, at least we know you'll be able to get a job after all this is done. "

Oh balls. "N-no, I'm serious! Like, not leaving your guests in a stupid clearing in the middle of god-knows-where…or saying someone isn't pretty in front of her…"

He expected a smart reply to that, but Rose was silent. Concerned, he turned, only to find her matching his gaze.

"…John. You are unbelievable."

"What?"

She blew her bangs out of her eyes. "You have just been made a plaything out of a group of alien creatures. You've had your personal space invaded in ways that weren't possible until we made them up. And yet, the thing you that bothers you most…is that they said I was unattractive?"

John blushed. "W…well, yeah! Because it's just rude!...and…" His shoulders rose around his ears. "..cause it's not true."

For a moment he thought that last part had been inaudible, but nope. She heard, and she was staring. She was staring very intently. Ah, jeez.

In a last ditch effort to conceal his embarrassment, John flopped on his back with a faux-casual sigh. "Hmph. Whatever." He hated to brag, but man that was cool. Dave would be proud of his coolness. He was like a volcano, but instead of magma there was ice, and instead of a volcano, it was him being cool, so cool that not even Rose placing her head on his stomach wouldn't

wait.

What?

John cranked his neck up in disbelief. It wasn't a dream. Rose had indeed crept over to where he laid, resting her head and hands on his midsection almost as a cat would. Her pale, wispy hair tumbled over her face in a way that ached to be stroked. She hid the lower part of her face in his shirt, leaving her big violet eyes visible. They looked not at him, but at the darkness, lost in thought.

John sputtered uselessly for a minute. _Oh hello Miss Lalonde. Excuse me, what the heck are you doing. Can I ask you why you're using me as a pillow. Well shit, for Gods of the Furthest Ring these guys sure are stupid, because God are you pretty. _Finally, he managed a staggered "R-Rose?"

Only her eyes moved to acknowledge him, blinking cutely at him from behind those pale, feathery eyelashes. Heat prickled in John's cheeks. "U-uh, uhm…" His mental Dave popped in long enough to shake his head at him. _Easy there Casanova, quit hogging all the cool. _"I just…um, w-what are you doing?"

Rose rolled her head up, and a small smile curved on her lips. "Well." She folded her hands on his belly, resting her chin upon them. "I was under the impression that this was the customary thing to do after carnal contact… we are supposed to be educating our allies about intercourse, after all, so by my calculations the next logical step would be to demonstrate that alien ritual known as…" A little color rose in her cheeks. "…cuddling."

At this point the rosiness in her face was probably no match for his. "O…oh. W-well…I mean th, that's cool, I mean we didn't…you know, _really_ do it, eheh…"

The smile faded. "If you rather not-."

"No I would! I-Oh wow, that was loud." He ducked his head. "Uh…ha, wow, I sure suck at this."

She gave a small chuckle, scooting up a little. "Well, if it's any consolation, at least you'll always be the go-to-guy for educating new species on human intercourse."

John pouted and, finally shedding his nerves, urged her up into his arms. "Well…your 'friends' are ten kinds of RUDE," he muttered, giving her a sort of half-hug-half-cuddle. After a moment, he summoned enough bravery to plant a small kiss on her forehead, earning a pleased squirm from her against his body. "Seriously, no one leaves two kids on their own for a whole half hour."

"Goodness John, I underestimated your endurance. Forgive me, but I don't think I could handle another round with you."

Despite his deepening blush he scoffed, almost in disgust. "Hardy har, Rose. Seriously, you owe me big time for this. I'm not going to be able to even think about the word 'sex' for a few…years, probably."

"Hum." She nuzzled his neck in an experimental way sort of way, and even after all he had just said, after all that had happened, he couldn't help feeling a tingle of pleasure at it. "Well Mr. Egbert, I am very grateful for your assistance…how might I go about paying off my debts?"

John blinked rapidly. "Ah….heh." He looked down at her, giving a rather dopey grin. "W-well, we do have a bit of time before your compadres show up…" He pulled her closer, hiding the goofy look on his face in her pale hair. "Why don't we take the time to work some of that off?"

Rose smiled, lips brushing his collarbone, and leaned in.

As the two young players held each other in the pale light, fingers intertwining, a thousand eldritch eyes watched them from the otherworldly darkness.

"**I DON'T UNDERSTAND. JUST WHAT ARE THEY DOING."**

"**THEY SEEM…THEY SEEM TO BE SHARING BODY CONTACT AND WARMTH ON A NON-CARNAL, YET INTIMATE LEVEL."**

"…**THAT IS ABSOLUTELY /DISGUSTING./"**

"**HUMAN ROMANCE SURE IS WEIRD."**


End file.
